


Please Be Kind (If I'm A Mess)

by vinegar-and-glitter (vinegarandglitter)



Series: The Desperate Type [11]
Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Angst, Connor is very sad, Gen, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Other, TDT Breakup, The Desperate Type, post breakup, stress smoking with your ex's mom
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-28
Updated: 2018-05-28
Packaged: 2019-05-14 17:06:22
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,659
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14773673
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vinegarandglitter/pseuds/vinegar-and-glitter
Summary: Heidi goes to buy cigarettes at a gas station late at night and runs into Connor.Heidi's got to stop smoking.----The Desperate Type, post-breakup (set during Epilogue Part 4). Heidi's POV.





	Please Be Kind (If I'm A Mess)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [chchchchcherrybomb](https://archiveofourown.org/users/chchchchcherrybomb/gifts).



> The amazing chchchchcherrybomb let me play in their universe and I'm SO COMPLETELY TICKLED to be given this opportunity. The relationship between Heidi and Connor in TDT is legit my favourite thing so I wanted to write something in the Evan/Connor breakup where they run into each other - so I did! And Tess let me! Aren't they great?

Not for the first time in her life, Heidi Hansen finds herself silently cursing her high school boyfriend Trent Rowe for peer-pressuring her into smoking her first cigarette on her sixteenth birthday. It’s been many moons since that fateful day, and she’s tried to quit more times than she can count. Most of the time she does pretty well not giving into temptation. 

 

But on nights like these where she’s spent hours in class, legal concepts going in one ear and out the other, knowing that she’s only got two semesters left and there’s a big test coming up and if she doesn’t get a handle on the material soon she could flunk out, the temptation to buy a packet of cigarettes and smoke them one by one until there’s nothing left but ash is too strong to resist. 

 

Heidi’s always considered herself a strong woman but she’s not without her vices. 

 

Instead of taking the left toward her tiny, empty house, she takes the right and heads to the nearby gas station. She needs to buy toilet paper anyway, so technically she’s not making a pitstop for the sole purpose of buying cigarettes. Technically. 

 

Heidi looks at the fuel gauge on her car as she pulls in and realizes she might as well fill up while she’s here. Then she heads into the gas station itself. The overly bright fluorescent lights make the whole place seem hyperreal, a stark contrast to the dark of the night. It’s late, and it’s cold, and winter always sucks the color out of life anyway, so the brightness of the gas station is almost too much. Heidi blinks a few times, letting her eyes acclimatize, then sets about picking up her bits and pieces. 

 

Once she’s picked up some toilet paper, she finds herself drifting over to the confectionary aisle, and picks up a packet of M&Ms without even really thinking about it. Evan likes M&Ms, she idly thinks to herself. Or was it Connor who liked M&Ms? Heidi can never remember. 

 

It’s still a little heartbreaking to separate the two in her mind. 

 

Heidi had honestly been surprised when Evan had told her that he and Connor had broken up. Evan had been so sad and Heidi had known then and there, without having to be told, that Evan hadn’t been the one to call it off. Once she’d gotten over the initial shock, she’d tried to ask what had happened but Evan hadn’t exactly been forthcoming with information. 

 

Which Heidi can understand. She’s never been a fan of rehashing the details of her break-ups either. 

 

In the three weeks since they broke up, Evan’s been calling home more often, which Heidi appreciates, but she knows it’s because he’s lonely, and that breaks her heart. She’s tried, gently, to suggest that he try to get out and do things. Evan assured her that his roommate Tom was looking after him and they’d gone out a few times to ‘take his mind off things’. 

 

Heidi’s not too worried about the fact that ‘going out’ most definitely involves underage drinking because Evan’s far more sensible than she was at that age and she trusts his roommate to keep him out of too much trouble. Evan deserves to have fun. Take his mind off things. 

 

Heidi’s not naive, though. 

 

It’s going to take Evan a long time to get over Connor.

 

Heidi has to admit, the beginning of their relationship was more than a little bit terrifying. Knowing where they met, what they were planning to do… it took a while for Heidi to fight back the terror inside her, the all-consuming fear. Her gut reaction had been to keep Evan as far away from Connor as possible. 

 

Connor had almost gotten Evan killed. 

 

They’d both almost…

 

Heidi still doesn’t want to think about it. Thinking about it hurts. It feels like touching fire, it feels like being punched in the stomach, it feels like food poisoning and failure all wrapped up into this dizzying mess of knowing that she’s not enough, that she missed it, that she almost lost the most important part of her life and she didn’t… 

 

It had taken her a while to come to terms with. She’d started seeing a therapist after that day at the water tower because it had all just been so overwhelming that she’d just had no idea how she was going to deal with it. Her therapist is a nice older lady who’s calm and collected and doesn’t deal in cliches or bullshit, which Heidi appreciates. 

 

Heidi had never kept Evan and Connor apart, even though she’d wanted to for a while. She’d been so glad that Evan had made a friend. But when everything about the suicide pact came spilling out, it had all seemed like this horrible, unhealthy, doomed romance which isn’t what any parent would want for their kid. Especially when Heidi found out they were having sex. 

 

Lost, lonely, suicidal teenagers, clinging to each other for dear life… 

 

What a thing to build a relationship on. 

 

But somehow, they had. Even though the two of them together had started off so terribly, they’d both somehow managed to bring out the best in each other. Evan gained so much more confidence and Connor… 

 

Heidi knows she only saw one side of Connor, but from what had been said about him, she could see how much Connor was improving.

 

They were both putting in so much work and they were encouraging each other to get better. To be better. They’d both been through so much, had so many people who didn’t believe in them and had worked so, so, so hard and…

 

They’d been on each other’s team. 

 

And Heidi had been on their team, too. 

 

And knowing that they weren’t a team anymore?

 

It was hard. 

 

Because Heidi genuinely liked Connor. Still likes Connor. He’s a sweet kid who’s been through a lot, with parents who struggled to understand what he needs. Heidi had been horrified when she’d realized that the Murphy parents had, at times, more or less just given up on him. She’d welcomed him into her family. She’d rooted for him, supported him. 

 

Heidi remembers them studying together near the end of senior year. Giving Connor a box of cassette tapes for his birthday and seeing his appreciative grin. 

 

Heidi’s debating whether to grab another packet of M&Ms when a tall figure in a grey hoodie comes around the corner and nearly bumps into her. She hurries to apologize and freezes as she realizes that it’s Connor. 

 

Connor’s eyes widen in alarm. He looks a little bit like a deer in the headlights. He mumbles something in apology then turns around the way he came before Heidi can say anything. 

 

Her heart sinks into her shoes. Connor… hadn’t looked good. Hair unwashed. Paler than he should be. Dark circles under his eyes.  Heidi suspects he’s high, from the smell and the fact that his eyes are bloodshot. But mostly he just looks… 

 

Sad. 

 

He looks really, really sad. 

 

Heidi recognizes that look of sadness. 

 

It’s the same look of sadness Evan’s been wearing for the last three weeks. 

 

It doesn’t suit either of them. 

 

Heidi picks up another packet of M&Ms after all, then mills around in the aisles while Connor goes up to the counter and… buys cigarettes. 

 

Out of respect, and the knowledge that Connor really doesn’t seem to want to talk to her right now, Heidi hangs back and waits until he’s out of the gas station to buy her purchases. Once he’s gone, she buys her M&MS, toilet paper, a packet of Marlboro’s and pays for her gas. 

 

Then she heads out into the night, which has gotten colder all of a sudden, and climbs into the front seat of her car and lights a cigarette with shaking hands. 

 

She takes a drag and exhales, enjoying the sensation while still feeling guilty that she’s smoking at all. Evan hates it, she remembers. But Evan’s at college with a broken heart, Connor’s at a gas station buying cigarettes at ten at night as winter approaches and Heidi can’t help either of them. 

 

She smokes half a cigarette before leaving the gas station, then pulls out and heads down a dimly lit back road toward her house, only to see the same tall, hoodie-clad figure walking down the street. 

 

Connor’s not wearing a jacket. 

 

It’s about 35 degrees out. 

 

Heidi pulls over alongside where Connor’s walking and rolls down her window. “Need a ride?” she calls out. 

 

Connor just kind of stares at her for a moment and then… kind of smiles. Heidi thinks it’s supposed to be a smile. It doesn’t sit properly on his face. “I’m okay,” he replies quietly. “Thanks, Heidi.”

 

Heidi follows him along as he keeps walking. “It’s way too cold for you to be walking home,” she insists, sticking her head out of the window as much as she can bear in the bitter cold. “You’re going to freeze to death. Please get in the car?”

 

Connor stops, then looks at her, his expression confused. He looks like he’s going to say something, but instead, he nods wearily, walks around the outside of the car and gets into the passenger seat. Heidi rolls up the window and cranks up the heater. 

 

Connor’s teeth are almost chattering in the cold. Heidi tries not to sigh. 

 

She lights another cigarette, then hands the packet to Connor. Connor’s eyes widen, but he takes a cigarette, albeit warily, then pulls a lighter out of his pocket. 

 

The two sit and smoke in the parked car for a long moment. 

 

“Thank you,” says Connor, and he seems a little startled to have broken the silence. “It’s, uh, I… I forgot my jacket.” The end of the sentence trails off a little lately, and Connor’s looking at his lap and not at Heidi, and it reminds Heidi so much of the first few times Connor came over to the Hansen household that she could cry. 

 

“You’ve got take better care of yourself, honey,” Heidi says gently. 

 

Connor looks at her, and there’s no mistaking the confusion on his expression. “Why do you care?” he asks, and it’s obvious he regrets saying it the minute the words leave his mouth. 

 

“I just do,” Heidi replies, as straightforwardly as she can. “Me caring about you doesn’t go away just because you’re not with Evan anymore.” She sighs. “Evan caring about you doesn’t go away, either.”

 

For a long, horrifying moment, Heidi’s convinced that Connor’s going to burst into tears. Instead, he reaches into his pocket and pulls out his own packet of cigarettes. They smoke the same brand, Heidi notices idly. He hands her a cigarette, then takes another one out of the packet and lights it. 

 

They smoke another cigarette together. 

 

“I should really quit,” Heidi says conversationally. 

 

Connor laughs hollowly. “Me too. Evan…”

 

“Evan hates it,” Heidi finishes, nodding knowingly. 

 

Her mom instincts are kind of at war with themselves at the moment. On the one hand, this boy smoking in her car broke her son’s heart. 

 

On the other hand, he clearly broke his own as well. 

 

Seeing them both miss each other so damn much…

 

It’s breaking Heidi’s heart, too. 

 

“Is he okay?” Connor asks, his voice hesitant. “Evan. He’s… he’s doing okay?”

 

Heidi tries to smile. “He’s not doing great, honey. He misses you.”

 

Connor’s face falls a little, and Heidi’s kind of struck by how… disappointed Connor looks. Like he honestly thought that not being in Evan’s life would make it… easier somehow. 

 

Heidi knows that’s not how the heart works. 

 

“School’s going well?” Heidi asks instead of saying anything else. 

 

Connor nods. “Yeah, I… yeah.” He looks at her. “How’s school going for you? You’ve got, like, 2 semesters left, right?”

 

Heidi blinks. She honestly didn’t expect him to remember. “Honestly?” she says, not a hundred percent sure why she’s admitting this. “I’m struggling. It’s a lot and… I just came back from class tonight and I’m having one of those days where I kind of want to throw in the towel completely, you know?” 

 

Her eyes widen as she realizes what she’s said. 

 

“Oh my god. I don’t mean  _ completely, _ I mean in terms of this class, I-”

 

“I get it,” Connor interrupts gently. “I know you didn’t-”

 

“Of  _ course _ I didn’t mean-”

 

“I’m okay,” Connor blurts out. “You don’t need to… you don’t need to worry I’ll do something stupid, just because Evan’s not… not here to stop me or anything.” 

 

The silence in the car is almost deafening. 

 

Heidi realizes that she’s dangerously close to tears. 

 

It takes her a while to choke out a response. 

 

“I know that you and Evan were... are important to each other,” she says quietly, trying to find the right words. “And I know that you’ve helped each other through some really, really rough times. And I’m glad for that. I’m glad you’re both here and alive and… living your lives, even when it’s hard.” She looks at Connor, trying to make sure he’s listening. From the look on his face, she’s pretty sure he is. “But you don’t need Evan to save you, and he doesn’t need you to save him. You did that on your own. You weren’t… you weren’t the only thing keeping Evan from… from that, and he’s not the only thing keeping you from... and even if you never speak to each other again, it doesn’t mean that what you had together wasn’t important. But it also doesn’t mean that what you had together was… the only thing that…” Heidi takes a deep breath and wipes her face. 

 

“I get it,” Connor says quietly. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to upset-”

 

“You and Evan were a team,” Heidi says firmly. “But it doesn’t mean you can’t do it on your own. Because it was never just you and Evan on that team. It was you and Evan, and your friends, and your parents, and me. And I know that you and Evan aren’t together anymore, but we’re all still behind you. We still all want you to be happy and healthy. All of us. Even Evan.” Heidi smiles a little. “Especially Evan.”

 

“He doesn’t hate me?” Connor asks quietly. 

 

Heidi shakes her head. “I don’t think he could if he tried.”

 

Connor looks at the window, and Heidi’s pretty sure he’s crying. She lights another cigarette, then hands Connor the box, and he takes another one without looking at her and lights it himself. 

 

“Tell you what,” Heidi says as she turns on the ignition and starts the still-familiar drive back to the Murphy home. “I’m going to get some nicotine gum tomorrow, see if I can break this habit once and for all. If you want, I can drop some off for you, too? We can… I don’t know, be non-smoker buddies. Give the big old middle finger to lung cancer. What do you say?”

 

Connor doesn’t answer, he just nods, but Heidi thinks she sees the ghost of a smile on the corner of his lips. 

 

When they arrive at the Murphy household, Connor does finally look at Heidi. His eyes are red and he looks exhausted, but… slightly less sad. Heidi’s going to count that as a victory. Connor smiles weakly, then gets out of the car with an awkward wave. 

 

Heidi watches him get into the house safely, then drives home. Once she gets into the house, she pours a bottle of wine, opens a packet of M&Ms and parks herself on the sofa with some mindless reality television that she couldn’t possibly be paying less attention to. 

 

Then she smokes the rest of her packet of cigarettes, right there in the living room, resolving to Febreeze the fuck out of the place the next morning. 

**Author's Note:**

> Title from Rufus Wainwright's "Cigarettes and Chocolate Milk"


End file.
